Creation And Destruction

Please Come Support A Good Cause.

2009-10-16T02:32:00.002-04:00

Rhythm Relief

2009-10-14T03:30:00.003-04:00

So many of us go through our lives getting so caught up on trivial things that we fail to recognize the struggle and misfortunate that afflicts those less fortunate.

On a Saturday afternoon on September 27, 2009, Typhoon Ondoy ravaged through Metro Manila in the Philippines, only taking six hours to pile a month's worth of rainfall onto the land. This accumulation eclipsed the previous record high from flooding in June 1967. Following this unfortunate occurrence, over 26 regions of the Philippines were submerged in water.

The impact left in the wake of the typhoon is undeniable, resulting in hundreds of deaths, injuries, and missing people. Hundreds of thousands of people have been affected by the damage done to their homes and neighborhoods.

Many of us have friends and family that were directly affected by what happened, and even though we are on the other side of the globe from the epicenter of destruction, that does not mean that there's nothing we can do.

For this reason, I invite you all to an event we have put together as quickly and thoroughly as possible. Donation boxes will be set up at various spots throughout the venue, with all proceeds will be going to Gawad Kalinga's Ondoy Relief & Rehab project.

Gifted, PlayNice, and Guerrilla::Words present:

Rhythm Relief:
A Musical Showcase Benefitting the Victims of Typhoon Ondoy

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Grand Banks
75 Montgomery Street (Corner of Washington Street)
Jersey City, NJ

Performances by:
Gifted
Jay Legaspi
Ron Verbal
Giselle Sera Josef

Hosted by:
Encite

In addition to donating money we will also be conducting a clothing drive, a collaborative effort with Jose from the Secret Service camp. Any old or unwanted clothing will be graciously accepted the night of the event, so while you are all cleaning out your closets and facilitating the transition to the Autumn/Winter wardrobe, you can take all the unwanted items you no longer need that are taking up valuable closet space and donate them.

For those of you busy or unavailable the night of the 24th but have clothing or any other donation that you would like to contribute, don't hesitate to contact us and we will be glad to pick it up.

Sorry people, this is a 21+ event.

"Yo Side Of The Bed"

2009-10-08T05:21:00.007-04:00

"Every time she leaves it's my heart that she's takin from me
I dunno if she's gone for good or returnin in the mornin
cannot wait through the night cause I keep tossin and turnin
I want you to know that our bed, our sheets, our pillows get lonely
on...yo side of the bed...

...I just wanna breath your air
watch you when you're wrappin up your hair
gazin at the mirrors up there, I'm reachin while imaginin that you're there
awake through the night cause I can't help the tossin and turnin
I want you to know that our bed, our sheets, our pillows get lonely
on...you side of the bed...

...I don't wanna sleep if you ain't here..."

- Trey Songz

Turning The Page

2009-09-30T17:08:00.004-04:00

and so a certain chapter in my life that has encompassed a span of almost 3 years has come to an end.

in the words of the greatest boxing trainer of all time:

"You can say what you want and act how you want, but what you do in the end is what you meant all along." - Cus D'Amato

i am doing music again, by the way.

more details to come.

Classic Words Of Comfort

2009-07-29T01:45:00.003-04:00

"We may not have attended grammar or high school together but we entered like this grown-up world together during our coming of age years at Rutgers or should I say Robeson Hall, and we probably felt alone even with a crowd but somewhere we found ourselves, our calling, and when a relic from the past is a familiar face/figure in our present moment to make it in our scary late 20's, it's comforting to know we really aren't alone and there are still people there from our "familiar place" who are real, and our late 20's aren't so scary after all... It's just life and without that person you have a good time with, whether platonic or not, it's like being alone on a crowded sidewalk - you're surrounded by many, yet feel like you're the only one standing there."

most heartfelt message i've gotten in the past decade.

Bridges Have Been Burned

2009-06-20T00:27:00.003-04:00

I got that fire in my eye and that pep in my step.

Rediscovered that swag that I lacked in previous go-rounds.

This next track is for y'all: the snakes, the fakers, the mediocre, the posers, the replicas, and the duplicates.

On The Cusp

2009-06-17T16:09:00.002-04:00

i remember when i started my radiography program, graduation seemed like it was an eternity away. after finishing all of my remaining clinical evaluations earlier today the reality of how close i am to graduating and working has finally hit me. i have never been happier.

Christ Hospital School Of Radiography Program:
1) 24 months of school: 2.5 months remaining
2) ~~325 total didactic exams~~
3) ~~36 mandatory initial clinical competency evaluations~~
4) ~~15 elective initial clinical competency evaluations~~ 17 completed
5) ~~5 mandatory continual clinical competency evaluations~~ 7 completed
6) ~~5 mandatory terminal clinical competency evaluations~~ 5 completed

as you can see, not only have i fulfilled all of my requirements, but i have gone above and beyond what was required. all that i have left to do now is just show up every day until september.

09/10/07 - first day of the program
09/11/08 - first day of senior year
09/04/09 - exit day (final day of clinicals)
09/09/09 - graduation day!

be there! i am closer than ever.

The Missing In Action Mixtape

2009-06-16T15:36:00.002-04:00

for those of you that don't know, i have been secretly working on a mixtape completely produced by my man sterio.

what was originally conceived to be my solo album, has changed direction and has been dubbed a "mixtape", simply because of the fact that i decided that i will distribute it for free. my reason for doing so is because i feel like i waited far too long (primarily because of life and school) to put out my solo project, so in order to break out of irrelevance, i wanted to put out a mixtape for free so i could reestablish my presence.

the title came as a result of me being away for far too long. the tentative track listing (keyword "tentative") goes as follows:

Gifted & Sterio Present: The Missing In Action Mixtape
1) Leave Of Absence
2) Never Too Late
3) Hands Up
4) My Love
5) The Rise
6) Life's Still Beautiful
7) Movin' Up
8) The Next Chapter
9) Days Get Brighter
10) Drunk Again
11) Top Of The Ladder
12) Last Stop

the guest-appearances and cameos will remain secret until the mixtape is completed.

DON'T DO IT!

2009-06-15T17:13:00.003-04:00

do not, and i repeat DO NOT, under any circumstances, watch this film:

i actually did watch it out of curiosity quite some time ago, and it still disturbs the shit out of me to this day.

Rockbottom

2009-05-16T17:01:00.005-04:00

Is anybody out there?

Is anybody listenin?

I feel like I'm alone in this world that I'm livin in.

Years ago, I hit rockbottom.

I wasn't in school, was stuck in the same dead end job that I'd had for years, had no idea what I wanted to do with myself or my future, and allowed the stress and drama from a woman drain me emotionally and mentally. The only positive thing that remained in my life at the time was baseball. I was in a league, and played with friends as well, so every day I was playing somewhere.

Shortly thereafter, I suffered the ankle fracture that came at the worst possible time, thus taking away my livelihood.

I didn't leave my house, didn't talk to anyone, and didn't do anything but sit around, watch tv, and drink. I had begun to relapse and exhibit self-destructive behavior that I was partial to in my younger years, but I didn't seem to give a single fuck about doing so. I let myself wallow in self-pity and my only solution was to drown it in alcohol.

Soon enough, the alcohol just wasn't cutting it, as I would remember again what kind of a mess I was as soon as sobriety hit. The prescription Percocet that I was issued became my new go-to "forget it all" tool. I learned through trial and error that two percocets washed down by a glass of Hennessey was the perfect dose for me to go into la-la land, where all of my stresses and worries were irrelevant.

As my body grew more tolerant to the poisons I was exposing it to, the doses slowly increased.

Rockbottom.

I remember the night vividly.

I was out of cigarettes, and had just finished off another "cocktail", which by this time was probably somewhere in the ratio of 3 percocets and 2 glasses of Hennessey, and decided I would crutch myself out to my car and take a drive to get a new pack.

Everything that occurred after that was a blur.

I regained my cognizance many hours later in my own bed, reeking of a pungent combination of the scents of alcohol, vomit, and nicotine. The odor alone was unpleasant. I opened my eyes, and laid there for a few minutes, completely unaware of what had transpired in the past few hours.

Over the course of my years, I have been blessed to have come across, befriend, and date a myriad of people. I pride myself on my ability to hold a conversation about anything with anyone.

But in that moment, laying in bed with a vomit-stained shirt, a cast-covered foot, and a broken spirit, I had never felt more alone.

I had no one to turn to. I couldn't possibly let any of my friends know what was going on in my head. I was too preoccupied with maintaining my tough image, and I was also very embarrassed at what I was doing to myself.

I thought of any and everything you could imagine as I laid there, physically motionless but mentally moving a mile a minute. I knew I had hit a crossroad. I could not continue living my life as I was. I even had a conversation with a deceased friend in my head as I laid there. I knew that I had to commit to going one direction or the other.

The shower I followed that up with was the most fulfilling and symbolic shower I'd ever taken up to that point. Aside from washing the disgustingness off of me, I felt it was symbolic of me washing away my vices. I shaved again (because of the months of injury-forced seclusion, I hadn't shaved my head or face at all), flushed away the rest of the Percocets, poured the Hennessey down the drain, and vowed to not let my demons get the best of me.

The next week I submitted my application for radiology school.

I haven't looked back since.

Keep this in mind - no matter how someone portrays themself to you, you never truly know what goes on in their head when they're alone.

The Sun Still Shines...

2009-05-09T13:49:00.000-04:00

@ work, where I seem to waste my life away. Looking forward though to a great night with an awesome person.

Harbor Casino open bar tonight from 11-1 for $20. Come out and support. We'll be there!

Fuck You, Lucy

2009-04-23T00:41:00.004-04:00

i love this shit. this song fully encapsulates the overwhelming blast of emotions that one goes through when in the post-breakup mindset.

Fuck You Lucy - Atmosphere

"she say that she still wants a friendship
she can't live a life without me as a friend
i can't figure out why i give a damn to what she wants
i don't understand the now before the then
most of this garbage i write that these people seem to like
is about you and how i let you infect my life
and if they got to know you, i doubt that they would see it
they'd wonder what i showed you, how you could leave it
a friend in chicago said that i should stay persistent
if i stay around, i'm bound to break resistance
fuck you lucy, for defining my existence
fuck you and your differences
ever since i was a young lad with a part-time dad
it was hard to find happiness inside of what i had
i studied my mother, i digested her pain
and vowed no women on my path would have to walk the same
travel like sound across the fate ladder
i travel with spoon to mix this cake batter
and i travel with feel, so i can deal with touch
it's like that, thank you very much, fuck you very much

and everyone in his life would mistake it as love
everyone in his life would mistake it as love
everyone in his life would mistake it as love
and everyone in his life would mistake it as love
everyone in his life would mistake it as love
everyone in his life would mistake it as love

fuck the 'what happened?', i got stuck
they can peel pieces of me off the grill of her truck
used to walk with luck, used to hold her hand
fell behind and played the role of a slower man
i wanna stand on top of this mountain and yell
i wanna wake up and break up this lake of hell
i feel like a bitch for lettin the sheet twist me up
the last starfighter was wounded, time to give it up
on a pick it up mission, kept it bitter
gettin in a million memories just to forget her
the difficulty in keepin emotions controlled
cookies for the road, took me by the soul
hunger for the drama, hunger for the nurture
gonna take it further, the hurt feels like murder
interpret the eyes, read the lines on her face
the sunshine is fake, how much time did i waste?
fuck you lucy, for leavin me
fuck you lucy, for not needin me
i wanna say fuck you, because i still love you
no i'm not okay, and i don't know what to do

and everyone in his life would mistake it as love
everyone in his life would mistake it as love
everyone in his life would mistake it as love
and everyone in his life would mistake it as love
everyone in his life would mistake it as love
everyone in his life would mistake it as love

do i sound mad? well i guess i'm a little pissed
every action has a point, five points make a fist
you close 'em, you swing 'em, it hurts when it hits
and the truth can be a bitch, but if the boot fits
i got an idea, you should get a tattoo that says 'warning'
that's all, just a warning
so the potential victim can take a left and save breath
and avoid you, sober and upset in the morning
i wanna scream 'fuck you lucy!'
but the problem is i love you lucy
so instead, i'ma finish my drink and have another
while you think about how you used to be my lover

The Internal Debate.

2009-04-20T15:43:00.003-04:00

Stay or go?

It's the question I most often ask myself.

A myriad of positives and negatives exist for both sides of the debate.

I should stay.

Staying around is where I feel comfortable.

I can't get what I truly want unless I'm willing to stay.

At this exact moment in time, staying is what would make me happy.

Scratch that, staying and attaining what I desire by staying is what would make me happy.

I have a lot of work to do in terms of persuading, convincing, and proving.

There is no guarantee however, that if I do stay, that things will work out how I wish they would.

My heart is telling me to stay.

I can't stay if things don't change.

I should leave.

Leaving is where I could pursue other options that I never fathomed to be possible.

I can discover new opportunities and endure new experiences if I leave.

At this exact moment in time, the uncertainty of what would happen if I left is exhilarating.

Scratch that, leaving and knowing that maybe a better tomorrow is out there is exhilarating.

I have a lot of preparations to make to ensure I am ready and able to leave.

There is no guarantee however, that if I do leave, that it will lead to prosperity and success.

My heart is telling me to leave.

I can't leave if things stay the same.

Every time I weigh out the pros and cons of each, I find the scale to be evenly balanced.

I think I've found a question to which there really is no correct answer.

Stay or go?

Control + Alt + Delete

2009-04-10T02:47:00.002-04:00

I have gone back to square one after resetting everything. Sometimes it takes more courage to accept defeat, dust your shoulders off, and move on than it does to keep fighting a losing battle.

No Gaaaaayyyeeeeeaayyyyayyyymeeeessss

2009-01-21T01:05:00.001-05:00

i have been unsuccessful thus far in my attempts to stop singing this song to myself:

I'm Foooocccuuussseedddd, Man!!!

2008-12-15T01:13:00.001-05:00

someone's making music again.

uh-oh.

the return of "...the cockiest mutherfucker from earth to pluto..."

Lesson Learned 2

2008-12-12T00:25:00.003-05:00

fool me once, shame on you

fool me twice, shame on me

fool me numerous times over the course of almost two years, and it's completely my fault.

Song Of The Moment

2008-12-11T04:06:00.000-05:00

On The Verge

2008-12-09T10:02:00.000-05:00

Things are looking up. I am fully prepared for everything the future has in store. No regrets, restraint, or second thoughts.

Turning Pages

2008-12-07T13:38:00.000-05:00

Can't stop asking myself "why?", but I'll manage.

Ride this roller coaster of life with me.

Stick with me through the lows and I promise the highs will be magical.

Irony

2008-12-07T02:08:00.002-05:00

sometimes when life throws you something, you just have to take a step back, assess, and think to yourself "what are the odds of that happening?"

everyone in the world encounters moments such as these, which seem to personify the true meaning of the word "irony".

it's like closing on a new house, then being laid off the following month.

for more examples, please refer to the song "ironic" by alanis morisette

ironically, my life's irony is of a different nature - one that has a positive result.

Dave Chang's Birthday Gift To Me

2008-11-04T17:55:00.001-05:00

Dave "China" Chang linked me today to a video he made specially for me for my birthday of him singing his favorite song. Enjoy:

Things Are Great/Things Are Horrible

2008-10-23T18:20:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm crawling through a loooooong dark tunnel with a bright-ass light at the end of it. Only catch is, the tunnel's walls are slowly closing in on me. The end is visible and within reach, but will I be able to make it there before everthing closes in on me?

The end is in sight. My goals are getting fulfilled one by one and my plan is slowly coming to fruition. I got hired as a "Patient Liason" @ Christ Hospital, which puts me in position to get hired as a X-Ray Technologist there when I graduate in September. School is finally getting easier, as my grades are splendid and the hell of my first year is over. Not only do I actually have a future, but it is bright and reachable. Only 11 more months til graduation.

However, the stress of the everyday hustle and bustle has been getting to me. Combine that with some trying experiences that I've been enduring in my personal life and I feel like the walls are closing in on me. Everything was so great and positive, but that has changed. Fair enough. I'll admit, occasionally I have to turn to certain things to deal with the pressure, but it's nothing big.

Will I make it?

Will I fail?

Only time will tell.

Ask me again In 11 months.

Video Of The Year

2008-08-23T14:53:00.001-04:00

On Life & Death

2008-08-19T21:37:00.003-04:00

sometimes things just can't be fixed.

rest in peace to you, my friend and my brother...

i promise you i will follow in your footsteps

see you real soon, kid...

Broadcasting Live & Direct From The Operating Room

2008-08-19T12:35:00.000-04:00

As I stand here in the OR awaiting the orthopedic surgeon to ask for fluoroscopy, a revelation hit me.

I graduate in a year.

One year from now, the future will become the present.

This occurence, coupled with a few other events that have transpired in my life recently has led me to believe that maybe, just maybe, my life is changing for the better.

I'm happy.

Rare Unreleased Mariah Carey Song

2008-08-15T14:03:00.001-04:00

"Ken Lee tulibu dibu douchoo"

Major Dilemma

2008-07-07T01:51:00.002-04:00

July 19th is coming up...

what the fuck am i gonna choose?

UFC FIGHT NIGHT 14 - July 19 on Spike TV
Main Card:
-Anderson Silva vs. James Irvin
-Frankie Edgar vs. Hermes Franca
-Brandon Vera vs. Reese Andy
-Anthony Johnson vs. Kevin Burns

Preliminaries:
-Jake O'Brien vs. Cain Velasquez
-Brad Blackburn vs. James Giboo
-Rory Markham vs. Brodie Farber
-Dale Hartt vs. Shannon Gugerty
-Nate Loughran vs. Johnny Rees
-Jesse Taylor vs. C.B. Dollaway

OR

AFFLICTION:BANNED - July 19 on PPV
Main Card (PPV):
-Fedor Emelianenko vs. Tim Sylvia
-Josh Barnett vs. Pedro Rizzo
-Andre Arlovski vs. Ben Rothwell
-Matt Lindland vs. Fabio Negao
-Babalu Sobral vs. Mike Whitehead

Cable Card (Fox Sports Net):
-Aleksander Emelianenko vs. Paul Buentello
-Vitor Belfort vs. Terry Martin

Preliminaries:
-Antonio Rogerio Nogueira vs. Edwin Dewees
-Trenell Young vs. Mark Hominick
-Justin Levens vs. Patrick Speight
-Mike Pyle vs. J.J. Ambrose

Deepest Darkest Africa

2008-06-29T23:30:00.003-04:00

i was like 5 years old and completely naive at the time, but looking back in retrospect, this is the most racially offensive shit i've ever seen...

I too, would much rather see your titties...

2008-06-04T21:37:00.001-04:00

thanks chase.

People Getting Served

2008-05-28T15:53:00.002-04:00

i've been enduring a rough period in school lately, in which the difficulty level of everything has increased dramatically. studying for literally 4-8 hours a day has got me going crazy, but in the midst of it all i've found time to go back to my roots and cheer myself up in the same way that has worked for years: laughing at other people's misery...

i empathize with this woman's ankle injury...the fart though, that's just inexcusable...

making a motorcycle ramp out of a human isn't even a good idea on paper...

some things just aren't meant to be climbed...

why won't my friends let me do things like this to them?

swings are for children and fags...lessons have to be learned the hard way

i guess you deserve this if you opt for the steeplechase over more of the manly events...

it's official: tuba players hate little kids...

not only is it funny that this kid gets drilled, but the complete absence of compassion makes it better...

hope you laughed as hard as i did at these people's misfortune...

New Song By Josh Ladao

2008-05-14T22:27:00.001-04:00

found this old video of a song josh wrote a few months back...enjoy...

Day 11: Back To Square One

2008-05-08T23:15:00.002-04:00

i can't even describe what i'm feeling right now.

picture something that you swore would never happen actually happening.

right in front of your very eyes.

VICTORY!!!

2008-05-04T23:49:00.000-04:00

i've done it!

i've conquered verizon!

david has beaten goliath!

Day 4: Comfort & Relief

2008-05-01T15:42:00.002-04:00

my week is over. this was a very trying week school-wise, and i'm happy to say that not only did i successfully survive, but i managed to excel. nothing beats the feeling that engulfs me on a thursday morning once i finish class for the week, knowing that i don't have any studying to do that night. it's far more satisfying than the feeling on friday after knowing my week is over.

if it seems that there's more of a positive air to my posts these days, it's because i've found comfort in my situation. granted, it's still quite foreign to me, but that doesn't make it unnavigable. there's nothing that life can throw at me that i can't handle, it's just that some situations may take longer to adjust to than others.

the presidential elections are quickly approaching. well, not as quickly as the democratic national convention. those of you who know me will find no surprise that i align myself as a democrat, although not a card-carrying member of the party. quite frankly, i don't like the usage of the terms "democrat" and "republican", i just consider myself fairly liberal, and that the views and opinions of the republican party and their propaganda vehicles (fox news in particular) are far too conservative for my personal tastes. in this election year, i'm hoping to choose my first winner, since i'm 0 for 2 in voting (at 18 years old in 2000 i voted for al gore, and at 22 years old in 2004 i voted for john kerry). either way, i'm going to spare you from reading any more political rambling and cut right to the primary purpose of this tangent: i have finally selected which democratic candidate i prefer. all due to this one youtube clip, i have decided to become an obama supporter. enjoy:

i have zero plans this weekend and i'm looking to enjoy myself, yet not go too crazy. anyone with any sort of ideas, get at me.

as always, it is always a pleasure...

Day 3: Planning, Ambition & Rededication

2008-04-30T16:09:00.006-04:00

EDITED: 8:21 PM 4/30

two exams today - got a 95 and a 96.

so if you're keeping a tally, that's 3 exams and a 100, 95, and 96 so far since i resolved to refocus. things are looking spectacular right now. first time in weeks that i've broken a 90 on any exam, and went far beyond that. things on the home front are looking good again, and the wheels of the moving process have begun to turn. last night i also went to sleep without any assistance from any substances. i know that the brunt of the credit for that goes to the anatomy of the lower extremities, since i spent the day studying until i was utterly exhausted.

i did however manage to take a short break from studying to chitchat with a new friend. it felt nice to be able to have someone to talk to who knows the ins and outs of the current situation that i find myself in.

on top of that, in the past 3 days i have written 3 full songs. when i finally get around to recording them, i'm sure those of you who have kept tabs on my musicial progress over the years will notice a change in my demeanor, subject matter, and maturity. things have been bottled up inside me the past couple of weeks, and i unloaded everything into what i've written recently. hopefully people will enjoy what i'm working on.

back in the gym now as well, my shins are completely splintered up from the heavy bag. someone my size shouldn't be made to throw kicks rapidly, but i find it way more fun than running or those elliptical machines that everyone seems to be so tantalized with.

i haven't the slightest inkling of where all this extra free time has come from, but i'm enjoying everything. i'm trying to stay positive and not let any sort of negative thoughts enter my mind. as long as molly is happy, i'm happy, and it took a moment of mature contemplation for me to arrive at that conclusion.

in the spirit of keeping this blog positive, i'm not even gonna get started on the yankees. i have so much to say about my beloved yanks, but just the mere thought of how the team looks thusfar instantly forces my blood to boil. i pass. i'll write about the inevitable train wreck next time.

oh and i finally got around to posting some older vids on youtube. i just recently posted some gems and classics from last summer @ the poker mansion. unsurprisingly, the early star of the videos i've posted seems to be blue. the man is a walking comedy show. check it out: http://www.youtube.com/user/addict4hiphop/. i highly recommend the video titled: "Blue Is Feelin It" - it is a heartfelt homage to hoboken and the jersey shore.

oh and for all blackberry users, hit me with your bb pin#. i've finally upgraded.

in what i find to be a complete coincidence, the fact that i'm going through what i'm going through just so happens to coincide with the official release (fucking finally!) of the video for "it's you (i think)" by my good friend stan (aka substantial). this song is incredibly genius in all aspects of the word, from the production, lyrics, feel, and overall vibe. the 2nd video i'm posting is the video for "can't let go" by myself and ron verbal as produced by angelo benjamin, which also seems to fit my overall mood. hope you all enjoy.

"...it's like we love to live and live to love // oh how tough it is to give it up // when there's enough to get can't get enough // and when it gets rough you ask yourself 'is this love?'..." - substantial

i shall close this post with a message i received in my mailbox this morning. i read these every morning, and for some reason the one i received today seemed so fitting.

"Good morning! Never let other people's opinions hold you back. Only you know your potential! Here's some facts: Harry Potter was rejected by 12 publishers, Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, Walt Disney was told he lacked imagination, and one record company told the Beatles "we don't like your sound". Keep going!

God Is Love,
Rev Run"

hopefully it makes some of you feel the way i felt when i read it.

sometimes when you realize your life was poorly constructed and doomed to fail, you must take it all apart and carefully put the pieces back together yourself to ensure it's stability, success, and longevity. i'm currently in the process of doing so, and although i'm still very early on in my construction project, i'm already beginning to notice the benefits. don't be afraid to start back at square one. change is not always a bad thing.

it's always a pleasure...

Day 2: Instant Gratification

2008-04-29T15:34:00.002-04:00

today was the first time in a long time that i ever got a 100 on an exam.

i couldn't help but smile for an extended period of time.

things are starting to finally work themselves out.

my focus has returned...and last night i managed to scrawl a few bars down.

i'm beginning to finally start tying up all the loose ends that existed in my life.

things are lookin up.

Two Words: Roid Rage.

2008-04-28T17:09:00.002-04:00

roid rage is a powerful thing.

however upon finding this video i started laughing hysterically. i was dying for minutes. those of you who know me personally or have spent enough time with me should find mark coleman's initial reaction in this video to look very familiar. that shit is so me. good look to e for linkin me to this vid with a poignant remark of "that is you i don't care what you say".

Recent Developments.

2008-04-28T15:49:00.002-04:00

i got my research team on the case.

new developments have already broken.

apparently the world is way smaller than people think it is.

preparation is followed by action, which in turn leads to confrontation.

the ultimate conclusion to the festivities could be ugly.

Day 1

2008-04-28T01:46:00.004-04:00

the past few days have been my wake-up call.

i woke up friday morning somewhere i shouldn't have been, on the bathroom floor with vomit all over myself.

i'm takin this shit back now.

i'm in full control now.

i have my list of goals that i fully intend on accomplishing.

focus, patience, persistence, determination, drive, and ambition are my tools.

let's get it, motherfuckers

i'm back.

I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain Is Gone...

2008-04-27T21:03:00.002-04:00

i had a moment of clarity.

given my sleeping conditions last night combined with the fact that i had the whole day today to myself to sit back, ponder, reflect, and think, i was able to start to finally make sense of the mess that is in my head.

i thought for a while that i knew exactly what i wanted, would be patient for as long as necessary to get what it is i want, and to settle for no less.

as my thoughts twisted themselves into intricate knots, i finally started to see the truth of what i want.

the brain and the heart are rarely ever in agreement. usually what your heart wants is not what your brain tells you is best. usually what your brain knows you need is exactly what will make your heart hurt.

i realize that i was going with what my heart said.

i realize that i was going against what my brain told me.

i realize that what truly may be best for me is what my brain tells me to do, despite how my heart feels.

if your heart stops, your brain can still function for a limited period of time.

if your brain stops, you're gone. heart and everything else shuts down.

the brain is stronger...so i'm gonna start going with what it tells me.

The Life Of A Nomad.

2008-04-23T23:50:00.004-04:00

i'm not surprised...it happens with startling regularity...

i have no true place to call home...

Things fall a p a r t...

2008-04-20T20:07:00.002-04:00

i don't know what to do.

not too long ago i had everything figured out.

now i feel lost.

my blog is my best friend.

it's the only "person" i can talk to when things are bothering me.

i don't pick up my phone.

i go out by myself, willingly, and i don't mind.

i need to do some soul searchin.

i spend a long time building things only to break them quickly.

i went from honors to needing high grades on two finals to avoid failing out of school.

i had a dream the other night that i was standing alone in a field screaming as loud as i could.

but no one heard me.

it was the first time in my life that i truly comprehended what my dream meant.

because that's how i feel every day.

i need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

i need to refocus and rededicate myself.

i'm going to pull those grades up.

i'm going to finish this album before the calendar switches to 2009.

2009 is the year i graduate.

let's make that shit my year.

2008 will be my mourning period.

let me draw this out as long as i can.

ever see in the movies where someone's falling off the edge of a building, and someone else is holding their hand?

the tension mounts and you get nervous as you see the two hands slipping apart and the grips breaking.

my grip broke.

one of us is falling.

the other is watching them fall.

my name is ryan and i have a problem with pills.

percocets are the only way i can sleep sometimes.

i can be up for 48 hours straight and be dead tired, yet not fall asleep.

i bought these 100% all natural sleeping pills from gnc the other day.

they work too, but i have to take 6 of them to get to sleep.

the instructions say to take 2.

i'll just write that off as me being bigger than average people.

a few years ago i saw and felt a ghost in my bedroom late at night.

a few nights ago i think it came back.

or maybe it was just a crazy figment of imagination conjured by my subconscious mind.

i am empty.

sometimes i'd rather feel sorry for myself than try to cheer myself up or forget my problems.

i've spent 90% of the past 3 months on crutches or limping.

i have no insurance.

my doctor is an ace bandage.

i lost my passenger-side mirror last night when i drove too close to a parked car.

i lost more than my passenger-side mirror last night.

i try to plan good things and i still manage to find ways to ruin them.

i feel alone.

i drink too much.

and by "too much" i mean too frequently AND too often.

it makes me feel good about myself and helps me have a good time.

the next morning sucks though.

it makes me wish my bed would just swallow me up.

i ruin things.

i find greatness and beauty in certain things.

then i take them for granted and ruin them.

sometimes i wish i was someone else.

i am so curious about what happens after death.

do we move on to some sort of afterlife?

are we reincarnated into another being?

or is it just blackness and emptiness?

my biggest fear about death is my memories.

i'm scared that after i'm gone my memories and my love for people will be gone or forgotten.

i'm curious though.

if i could die right now just to see what happens and come back and resume my life i would.

i'd also make millions of dollars by relating my experience to the world.

Pondering...

2008-04-17T21:35:00.002-04:00

"...only 2 things will get you through this: patience and persistence..." - sean carter

i know what i want
i know what my limitations are
and i know what my capabilities are

all three of the aforementioned things are different from each other. all i'm tryin to do is line them up enough to reach homeostasis.

there's always a plan b
some people just get too absorbed with plan a to realize it...

Something About This Man's Description Makes Me Not Want To Try This Burger...

2008-04-14T22:34:00.001-04:00

glumbert - Burger Mouth Explosion

The Scariest Man On Earth...

2008-04-14T17:13:00.000-04:00

Flight Of The Conchords

2008-04-11T18:04:00.003-04:00

i love these fucks...here's two of my favorite joints

1) "The Distant Future" by Flight Of The Conchords - an epic song that vividly illustrates what our future will look like. Wait til the binary solo - it's worth it.

2) "Part-Time Model" - a beautifully-written love song with such touching lyrics as "you're so beautiful, you could be a part-time model" and "...and when you're on the street, depending on the street, i bet you are definitely in the top 3 good looking girls on the street, depending on the street..."

I Used To Be A Huge WWF Fan...

2008-04-11T17:59:00.002-04:00

this took me back down memory lane:

Stripper Pole All-Stars...

2008-04-05T19:13:00.002-04:00

Don't Scare A Garbageman...

2008-04-04T10:32:00.001-04:00

Quotes

2008-03-28T00:02:00.002-04:00

"...yo, they say this love wasn't meant to be
two people from two different worlds, we wasn't meant to be
it musta been fate, you were sent to me
we'll make it through these hard times, eventually..." - fredro starr

"...who said somethin good won't last forever?
i know too much of anything is bad (whatever)
long as we have good and bad times together,
bad times make the good times that much better..." - rakim

Lesson Learned...

2008-03-27T20:43:00.004-04:00

Oh... My... God...

2008-03-27T20:43:00.003-04:00

The Week From Hell...

2008-03-25T23:43:00.002-04:00

With 2 weeks left in my 2nd semester of my radiography program, this week is the week that my entire class is getting fucked...

Tuesday March 25
7:30 AM - Exam - Radiologic Physics (Parallel Circuits)
8:30 AM - Exam - Human Structure & Function (Urinary System)

Wednesday March 26
7:30 AM - Exam - Radiographic Accessories (Grids)
8:00 AM - Exam - Radiographic Accessories (Beam Limitors)
8:30 AM - Exam - Radiographic Procedures (Urinary System)
10:00 AM - Exam - Radiographic Exposure (Intensifying Screens)

Thursday March 27
8:30 AM - Exam - Radiologic Physics (Semester Final)
10:00 AM - Exam - Radiographic Film Processing (Semester Final)

who's down to go out this weekend?

Comic Book Come-Out

2008-03-25T16:37:00.004-04:00

exposing homosexuality in comic books...

archie is a fag...

if you had x-ray vision and was near another guy and a cute girl, why would you look at what was under the other guy's clothes first?

batman and robin are the gayest tandem ever

look at what robin's doing!

Source: Superdickery

Superman is a dick...

2008-03-25T16:21:00.003-04:00

a few examples why...

Source: Superdickery

Happy Easter Pt. 2

2008-03-23T14:51:00.004-04:00

stolen from chase...

Easter Greetings

2008-03-23T06:18:00.000-04:00

happy easter, you fucks...

The proudest, newest papa...

2008-03-22T20:09:00.004-04:00

congrats to encite & dee on the birth of their first seed, dillan benjamin...

in honor of this momentous occasion, i present to you all the infamous encite "just once" video:

I Thought you were asking about the nicest PIANIST I've ever seen...

2008-03-20T19:28:00.001-04:00

David Sides is a beast...

Peep him on Youtube

Shelley Duncan is a dick...

2008-03-20T00:50:00.001-04:00

Talk about sore winners.

Griffin Whitman, a 10-year-old Red Sox fan from Swampscott, was excited to attend his first Yankees vs. Red Sox game Friday night. The young autograph-collector was even more thrilled to score Yankees outfielder Shelley Duncan’s signature before the game. That is, until Griffin read the message from the 27-year-old rookie: “Red Sox suck! Shelley Duncan.”

Source: The Boston Herald

Yoda got moves, kid.

2008-03-20T00:34:00.001-04:00

March Madness is upon us again, so it is with great amusement that I present to you...

2008-03-19T18:10:00.000-04:00

The 2008 NCAA Tournament All-Porno Name Team:

Third Team:
G - Desire Gabou, Western Kentucky
G - LeKendric Longmire, Oregon
F - Luis Colon, Kansas State
F - Travis Lay, American
F - Lance Stemler, Indiana

Second Team:
G - Dau Jok, Oklahoma
F - Taj Finger, Stanford
F - Gyno Pomare, San Diego
F - Surry Wood
, UNC
C - Longar Longar, Oklahoma

And The Starting Five:
G - Lee Cummard, BYU
G - Da'Veed Dildy, Stanford
G - Cam Long, George Mason
F - Wayne Chism, Tennessee
F - Alexis Wangmene, Texas

And The Coach:
Ken Bone, Portland State

Source: Yahoo Sports

Anyone know a good, cheap orthopedist?

2008-03-19T00:21:00.001-04:00

Being that I'm 25 and a full-time student, I no longer have any insurance coverage. Ironically, I had a conversation the other night with someone about how since I have no insurance anymore, I feel like I'm gambling every time I leave my house.

What sucks is I have this seriously horrible pain in my right ankle to the point where I can't really put any weight on it. Yes, that ankle that I have sprained on numerous occasions, and fractured back in 2006.

To top it all off, I also have a sharp soreness/pain on the ball and dorsal surface of my foot right at where my toes end. Due to this pain, I also can barely put any weight on my left foot.

Fuck.

I was always told "don't judge a book by it's cover"...

2008-03-17T21:19:00.001-04:00

and i remember people always telling me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

i never comprehended the meaning of that until recently when i discovered Cris "Cyborg".

this woman is literally ugly as fuck, but sweet jesus i am in love with her.

This poor kid grew up hating his family and Santa Claus...

2008-03-17T12:27:00.001-04:00

Darth Vader is a dick

2008-03-14T16:08:00.001-04:00

A Wise Friend Once Told Me...

2008-03-14T15:16:00.001-04:00

"...if she can't even keep her life together, what makes you think she can keep a relationship together?..."

and as I was driving home from clinicals today for some reason I thought of that statement...

This... Is... AMERICA!!!

2008-03-14T00:36:00.000-04:00