Rockbottom

Is anybody out there?

Is anybody listenin?

I feel like I'm alone in this world that I'm livin in.

Years ago, I hit rockbottom.

I wasn't in school, was stuck in the same dead end job that I'd had for years, had no idea what I wanted to do with myself or my future, and allowed the stress and drama from a woman drain me emotionally and mentally. The only positive thing that remained in my life at the time was baseball. I was in a league, and played with friends as well, so every day I was playing somewhere.

Shortly thereafter, I suffered the ankle fracture that came at the worst possible time, thus taking away my livelihood.

I didn't leave my house, didn't talk to anyone, and didn't do anything but sit around, watch tv, and drink. I had begun to relapse and exhibit self-destructive behavior that I was partial to in my younger years, but I didn't seem to give a single fuck about doing so. I let myself wallow in self-pity and my only solution was to drown it in alcohol.

Soon enough, the alcohol just wasn't cutting it, as I would remember again what kind of a mess I was as soon as sobriety hit. The prescription Percocet that I was issued became my new go-to "forget it all" tool. I learned through trial and error that two percocets washed down by a glass of Hennessey was the perfect dose for me to go into la-la land, where all of my stresses and worries were irrelevant.

As my body grew more tolerant to the poisons I was exposing it to, the doses slowly increased.

Rockbottom.

I remember the night vividly.

I was out of cigarettes, and had just finished off another "cocktail", which by this time was probably somewhere in the ratio of 3 percocets and 2 glasses of Hennessey, and decided I would crutch myself out to my car and take a drive to get a new pack.

Everything that occurred after that was a blur.

I regained my cognizance many hours later in my own bed, reeking of a pungent combination of the scents of alcohol, vomit, and nicotine. The odor alone was unpleasant. I opened my eyes, and laid there for a few minutes, completely unaware of what had transpired in the past few hours.

Over the course of my years, I have been blessed to have come across, befriend, and date a myriad of people. I pride myself on my ability to hold a conversation about anything with anyone.

But in that moment, laying in bed with a vomit-stained shirt, a cast-covered foot, and a broken spirit, I had never felt more alone.

I had no one to turn to. I couldn't possibly let any of my friends know what was going on in my head. I was too preoccupied with maintaining my tough image, and I was also very embarrassed at what I was doing to myself.

I thought of any and everything you could imagine as I laid there, physically motionless but mentally moving a mile a minute. I knew I had hit a crossroad. I could not continue living my life as I was. I even had a conversation with a deceased friend in my head as I laid there. I knew that I had to commit to going one direction or the other.

The shower I followed that up with was the most fulfilling and symbolic shower I'd ever taken up to that point. Aside from washing the disgustingness off of me, I felt it was symbolic of me washing away my vices. I shaved again (because of the months of injury-forced seclusion, I hadn't shaved my head or face at all), flushed away the rest of the Percocets, poured the Hennessey down the drain, and vowed to not let my demons get the best of me.

The next week I submitted my application for radiology school.

I haven't looked back since.

Keep this in mind - no matter how someone portrays themself to you, you never truly know what goes on in their head when they're alone.

The Sun Still Shines...

@ work, where I seem to waste my life away. Looking forward though to a great night with an awesome person.

Harbor Casino open bar tonight from 11-1 for $20. Come out and support. We'll be there!