Day 3: Planning, Ambition & Rededication

EDITED: 8:21 PM 4/30

two exams today - got a 95 and a 96.

so if you're keeping a tally, that's 3 exams and a 100, 95, and 96 so far since i resolved to refocus. things are looking spectacular right now. first time in weeks that i've broken a 90 on any exam, and went far beyond that. things on the home front are looking good again, and the wheels of the moving process have begun to turn. last night i also went to sleep without any assistance from any substances. i know that the brunt of the credit for that goes to the anatomy of the lower extremities, since i spent the day studying until i was utterly exhausted.

i did however manage to take a short break from studying to chitchat with a new friend. it felt nice to be able to have someone to talk to who knows the ins and outs of the current situation that i find myself in.

on top of that, in the past 3 days i have written 3 full songs. when i finally get around to recording them, i'm sure those of you who have kept tabs on my musicial progress over the years will notice a change in my demeanor, subject matter, and maturity. things have been bottled up inside me the past couple of weeks, and i unloaded everything into what i've written recently. hopefully people will enjoy what i'm working on.

back in the gym now as well, my shins are completely splintered up from the heavy bag. someone my size shouldn't be made to throw kicks rapidly, but i find it way more fun than running or those elliptical machines that everyone seems to be so tantalized with.

i haven't the slightest inkling of where all this extra free time has come from, but i'm enjoying everything. i'm trying to stay positive and not let any sort of negative thoughts enter my mind. as long as molly is happy, i'm happy, and it took a moment of mature contemplation for me to arrive at that conclusion.

in the spirit of keeping this blog positive, i'm not even gonna get started on the yankees. i have so much to say about my beloved yanks, but just the mere thought of how the team looks thusfar instantly forces my blood to boil. i pass. i'll write about the inevitable train wreck next time.

oh and i finally got around to posting some older vids on youtube. i just recently posted some gems and classics from last summer @ the poker mansion. unsurprisingly, the early star of the videos i've posted seems to be blue. the man is a walking comedy show. check it out: http://www.youtube.com/user/addict4hiphop/. i highly recommend the video titled: "Blue Is Feelin It" - it is a heartfelt homage to hoboken and the jersey shore.

oh and for all blackberry users, hit me with your bb pin#. i've finally upgraded.

in what i find to be a complete coincidence, the fact that i'm going through what i'm going through just so happens to coincide with the official release (fucking finally!) of the video for "it's you (i think)" by my good friend stan (aka substantial). this song is incredibly genius in all aspects of the word, from the production, lyrics, feel, and overall vibe. the 2nd video i'm posting is the video for "can't let go" by myself and ron verbal as produced by angelo benjamin, which also seems to fit my overall mood. hope you all enjoy.



"...it's like we love to live and live to love // oh how tough it is to give it up // when there's enough to get can't get enough // and when it gets rough you ask yourself 'is this love?'..." - substantial



i shall close this post with a message i received in my mailbox this morning. i read these every morning, and for some reason the one i received today seemed so fitting.

"Good morning! Never let other people's opinions hold you back. Only you know your potential! Here's some facts: Harry Potter was rejected by 12 publishers, Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, Walt Disney was told he lacked imagination, and one record company told the Beatles "we don't like your sound". Keep going!

God Is Love,
Rev Run"

hopefully it makes some of you feel the way i felt when i read it.

sometimes when you realize your life was poorly constructed and doomed to fail, you must take it all apart and carefully put the pieces back together yourself to ensure it's stability, success, and longevity. i'm currently in the process of doing so, and although i'm still very early on in my construction project, i'm already beginning to notice the benefits. don't be afraid to start back at square one. change is not always a bad thing.

it's always a pleasure...

Day 2: Instant Gratification

today was the first time in a long time that i ever got a 100 on an exam.

i couldn't help but smile for an extended period of time.

things are starting to finally work themselves out.

my focus has returned...and last night i managed to scrawl a few bars down.

i'm beginning to finally start tying up all the loose ends that existed in my life.

things are lookin up.

Two Words: Roid Rage.

roid rage is a powerful thing.

however upon finding this video i started laughing hysterically. i was dying for minutes. those of you who know me personally or have spent enough time with me should find mark coleman's initial reaction in this video to look very familiar. that shit is so me. good look to e for linkin me to this vid with a poignant remark of "that is you i don't care what you say".

Recent Developments.

i got my research team on the case.

new developments have already broken.

apparently the world is way smaller than people think it is.

preparation is followed by action, which in turn leads to confrontation.

the ultimate conclusion to the festivities could be ugly.

Day 1

the past few days have been my wake-up call.

i woke up friday morning somewhere i shouldn't have been, on the bathroom floor with vomit all over myself.

i'm takin this shit back now.

i'm in full control now.

i have my list of goals that i fully intend on accomplishing.

focus, patience, persistence, determination, drive, and ambition are my tools.

let's get it, motherfuckers

i'm back.

I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain Is Gone...

i had a moment of clarity.

given my sleeping conditions last night combined with the fact that i had the whole day today to myself to sit back, ponder, reflect, and think, i was able to start to finally make sense of the mess that is in my head.

i thought for a while that i knew exactly what i wanted, would be patient for as long as necessary to get what it is i want, and to settle for no less.

as my thoughts twisted themselves into intricate knots, i finally started to see the truth of what i want.

the brain and the heart are rarely ever in agreement. usually what your heart wants is not what your brain tells you is best. usually what your brain knows you need is exactly what will make your heart hurt.

i realize that i was going with what my heart said.

i realize that i was going against what my brain told me.

i realize that what truly may be best for me is what my brain tells me to do, despite how my heart feels.

if your heart stops, your brain can still function for a limited period of time.

if your brain stops, you're gone. heart and everything else shuts down.

the brain is stronger...so i'm gonna start going with what it tells me.

The Life Of A Nomad.

i'm not surprised...it happens with startling regularity...

i have no true place to call home...

Things fall a p a r t...

i don't know what to do.

not too long ago i had everything figured out.

now i feel lost.

my blog is my best friend.

it's the only "person" i can talk to when things are bothering me.

i don't pick up my phone.

i go out by myself, willingly, and i don't mind.

i need to do some soul searchin.

i spend a long time building things only to break them quickly.

i went from honors to needing high grades on two finals to avoid failing out of school.

i had a dream the other night that i was standing alone in a field screaming as loud as i could.

but no one heard me.

it was the first time in my life that i truly comprehended what my dream meant.

because that's how i feel every day.

i need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

i need to refocus and rededicate myself.

i'm going to pull those grades up.

i'm going to finish this album before the calendar switches to 2009.

2009 is the year i graduate.

let's make that shit my year.

2008 will be my mourning period.

let me draw this out as long as i can.

ever see in the movies where someone's falling off the edge of a building, and someone else is holding their hand?

the tension mounts and you get nervous as you see the two hands slipping apart and the grips breaking.

my grip broke.

one of us is falling.

the other is watching them fall.

my name is ryan and i have a problem with pills.

percocets are the only way i can sleep sometimes.

i can be up for 48 hours straight and be dead tired, yet not fall asleep.

i bought these 100% all natural sleeping pills from gnc the other day.

they work too, but i have to take 6 of them to get to sleep.

the instructions say to take 2.

i'll just write that off as me being bigger than average people.

a few years ago i saw and felt a ghost in my bedroom late at night.

a few nights ago i think it came back.

or maybe it was just a crazy figment of imagination conjured by my subconscious mind.

i am empty.

sometimes i'd rather feel sorry for myself than try to cheer myself up or forget my problems.

i've spent 90% of the past 3 months on crutches or limping.

i have no insurance.

my doctor is an ace bandage.

i lost my passenger-side mirror last night when i drove too close to a parked car.

i lost more than my passenger-side mirror last night.

i try to plan good things and i still manage to find ways to ruin them.

i feel alone.

i drink too much.

and by "too much" i mean too frequently AND too often.

it makes me feel good about myself and helps me have a good time.

the next morning sucks though.

it makes me wish my bed would just swallow me up.

i ruin things.

i find greatness and beauty in certain things.

then i take them for granted and ruin them.

sometimes i wish i was someone else.

i am so curious about what happens after death.

do we move on to some sort of afterlife?

are we reincarnated into another being?

or is it just blackness and emptiness?

my biggest fear about death is my memories.

i'm scared that after i'm gone my memories and my love for people will be gone or forgotten.

i'm curious though.

if i could die right now just to see what happens and come back and resume my life i would.

i'd also make millions of dollars by relating my experience to the world.

Pondering...

"...only 2 things will get you through this: patience and persistence..." - sean carter

i know what i want
i know what my limitations are
and i know what my capabilities are

all three of the aforementioned things are different from each other. all i'm tryin to do is line them up enough to reach homeostasis.

there's always a plan b
some people just get too absorbed with plan a to realize it...

Something About This Man's Description Makes Me Not Want To Try This Burger...

glumbert - Burger Mouth Explosion

The Scariest Man On Earth...

Flight Of The Conchords

i love these fucks...here's two of my favorite joints

1) "The Distant Future" by Flight Of The Conchords - an epic song that vividly illustrates what our future will look like. Wait til the binary solo - it's worth it.


2) "Part-Time Model" - a beautifully-written love song with such touching lyrics as "you're so beautiful, you could be a part-time model" and "...and when you're on the street, depending on the street, i bet you are definitely in the top 3 good looking girls on the street, depending on the street..."

I Used To Be A Huge WWF Fan...

this took me back down memory lane:

Stripper Pole All-Stars...

Don't Scare A Garbageman...