Things fall a p a r t...

i don't know what to do.

not too long ago i had everything figured out.

now i feel lost.

my blog is my best friend.

it's the only "person" i can talk to when things are bothering me.

i don't pick up my phone.

i go out by myself, willingly, and i don't mind.

i need to do some soul searchin.

i spend a long time building things only to break them quickly.

i went from honors to needing high grades on two finals to avoid failing out of school.

i had a dream the other night that i was standing alone in a field screaming as loud as i could.

but no one heard me.

it was the first time in my life that i truly comprehended what my dream meant.

because that's how i feel every day.

i need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

i need to refocus and rededicate myself.

i'm going to pull those grades up.

i'm going to finish this album before the calendar switches to 2009.

2009 is the year i graduate.

let's make that shit my year.

2008 will be my mourning period.

let me draw this out as long as i can.

ever see in the movies where someone's falling off the edge of a building, and someone else is holding their hand?

the tension mounts and you get nervous as you see the two hands slipping apart and the grips breaking.

my grip broke.

one of us is falling.

the other is watching them fall.

my name is ryan and i have a problem with pills.

percocets are the only way i can sleep sometimes.

i can be up for 48 hours straight and be dead tired, yet not fall asleep.

i bought these 100% all natural sleeping pills from gnc the other day.

they work too, but i have to take 6 of them to get to sleep.

the instructions say to take 2.

i'll just write that off as me being bigger than average people.

a few years ago i saw and felt a ghost in my bedroom late at night.

a few nights ago i think it came back.

or maybe it was just a crazy figment of imagination conjured by my subconscious mind.

i am empty.

sometimes i'd rather feel sorry for myself than try to cheer myself up or forget my problems.

i've spent 90% of the past 3 months on crutches or limping.

i have no insurance.

my doctor is an ace bandage.

i lost my passenger-side mirror last night when i drove too close to a parked car.

i lost more than my passenger-side mirror last night.

i try to plan good things and i still manage to find ways to ruin them.

i feel alone.

i drink too much.

and by "too much" i mean too frequently AND too often.

it makes me feel good about myself and helps me have a good time.

the next morning sucks though.

it makes me wish my bed would just swallow me up.

i ruin things.

i find greatness and beauty in certain things.

then i take them for granted and ruin them.

sometimes i wish i was someone else.

i am so curious about what happens after death.

do we move on to some sort of afterlife?

are we reincarnated into another being?

or is it just blackness and emptiness?

my biggest fear about death is my memories.

i'm scared that after i'm gone my memories and my love for people will be gone or forgotten.

i'm curious though.

if i could die right now just to see what happens and come back and resume my life i would.

i'd also make millions of dollars by relating my experience to the world.